Attention vacant masses! Get ready to crap in your shorts! Ready? One, two, three… Good Job! Now then…
If you haven’t heard by now, (and I have to admit I didn’t hear until a couple weeks ago. What do think I am, a fucking goob?) there is a game coming in the near to mid future on ye olde XBOX, that will, rest assured, blow every Tomb Raiding, Night Firing, Zelda-humping, Max Payneful experience out there into the toilet. This game, or should I call it… oh, fuck it… is now known as, if you didn’t read the title, Fable. Brought to you by the creative wunderkind at Big Blue Box and heretofore known as Project Ego, Fable promises to be the best goddamn RPG ever. And I, for one, have little reason to doubt it.
The basic premise is simple. You start out as a wee lad in a glorious land that couldn’t look any more beautiful. Doubt me? Do a Google search and prepare to choke. I don’t know who had to sell their soul to my boss to create graphics like this, but an eternity in hell is well worth it. Hey, it’s not my soul. Anyhoo, the story is like this: Your parents send you out for some groceries, you come back, they’ve been kidnapped, and your dog is nailed to the door. So that’s not cool with you, ’cause like, that dog taught you how to clean your own balls with your tongue, man! So you set out to find whoever do’d the evil.
This is where all hell (or heaven) breaks loose, and where your bowels will no doubt also loosen, as you begin to realize what a vast undertaking you’ve undertaken. By no means could I possibly explain all the nifty shit that goes on in this game; that would take a novel (hopefully a dirty one! With pictures!). But I will clue you in to the major deals that will make this game the last one you will ever need to buy.
Every choice you make in this game will haunt you until the end of your days. And the end of your days may not come until you reach middle age. If you kill a chicken, it’s offspring may hunt you down later in life. If you give a little kid some matches, you may return in a few weeks to a charred landscape and lots of stinky, burnt bodies. Take a dump in the middle of the road, and a beautiful flower will grow. Okay, I made all that up, but this is basically how it is, see? Basically, you are free to choose any path, but each path has its own rewards and pitfalls. There are numerous destinies that await you. You can end up as any number of good or evil characters, depending on the sum total of choices you make each step of the way. Not to mention, you can choose from a number of bitchin’ and totally stylish costumes to garb your dude in.
The minutiae of Fable are near endless. If you walk into the local schoolhouse in your undies, people will turn and stare, point and laugh. A heroic turn may have all the kids in the village dressing like you, even cutting their hair to match yours. Carve your name into a tree, or even a bag lady, and years later, the scar will still show, and that old lady will be pissed!
Even cooler than all this are the Morphs. You know, Morph from Orph! Ha Ha Ha! Yeah. So… Morphs are kind of like the old system of weapons, spells, armor, life points and what-not from lame old role-playing games like, uhhhh… Well, I never really played any of those games, but you get my point, right? There are four kinds of morphs: Physical, Class, Morality and Style. Check it out…
Physical morphs are like this: run a lot, your legs get bigger. Lift rocks, there go your arms. You can get a suntan. But don’t overdo it. You can get a wrinkly, saggy ass a lot faster that way. As you get older, lines, bags and liver spots appear in fun places. If you do a lot of magic, your eyes may start to smoke.
Class Morphs be thus: you don’t just choose to be a fighter or a thief or a freakin’ fairy. Your actions determine what you will become. Sneak around like a creep, hang out in the dark a bunch, dodge attacks and such, and you will begin to look like a thief. Kick much ass and end up like The Rock in the best role he never played. Rely on your willpower and end up as a magic using dude.
Morality: If you make an ass of yourself, people will show you the door. If you continually buy flowers for the farmer’s daughter, he may eventually let you take her out to the barn. Even so, he may still stick a pitchfork in your ass if you knock her up.
Style: Pay attention, GQ zombies… Anything you see, you can have for your very own. All clothing is available, if optional. All those things that make you a man, right down to your goatee and tattoos are fully customizable. Dig it!
Okay, so my editor is holding a poker to my nads. I’ve already gone on much too long. Fable obviously kicks holy ass, and if you don’t buy it, you’re stupid. Cheers!
